Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
