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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.