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This Christmas morning, are you worried you didn’t choose quite the right present for a loved one? I always try, but wherever I look I’m bombarded with unhelpful suggestions. No, I don’t want a scented wax that smells like turkey, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking turkey. Nor do I want a sunrise alarm clock, because I can leave the curtains open works just fine. And I definitely don’t want a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, as said DNA comes from milt. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I would tickle some pollocks.

Finding Ideas In the Animal Kingdom

Therefore, if you constantly search for gift ideas, my advice is: learn from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent gifting. This tradition has existed for over 100 million years, well before our species evolved. Aided by evolution, wild animals have had wild animals plenty of time to master the art of giving. Indeed, certain arachnids go so far as to wrap their offerings!

Excluding exercise-related items and other things I don’t like, there are five categories of Christmas gift: edibles, things for the home, jewelry, skincare and apparel. Nature's creatures excels in every category.

Food Gifts: High-Protein Treats to Artisan Kebabs

Brazilian cuckoos offer their mates nutritious morsels including bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. However, for those who like their meat skewered, then the great grey shrike, also known as Lanius excubitor. The males spear prey, such as bugs and rodents, on sharp thorns and twigs to create impromptu kebabs.

Certain insects gift their beaus spitballs, but these aren’t just any spitballs. These are the nuptial gifts of scorpionflies, crafted with the freshest saliva from the engorged labial glands of the most genetically superior males. The delicacy is packed with nutrients, a key reason why females prefer males with larger gifts.

An additional factor is that the fittest males make the biggest spitballs. When I say “fit” I don’t mean “looks great in a leather jacket”, though that may be true. I mean genetic fitness.

These presents are given prior to mating, so by choosing the male with the biggest package, the female is also selecting genetic quality. She then consumes the delicacy while mating but terminates copulation as soon as it’s all gone. Larger gifts result in longer copulation times, where the male transfers more sperm and the female is unable to mate with anyone else. This clarifies why he bothers with such an elaborate offering.

Nest-Building and Bling

These Antarctic penguins do not offer food, but they do give things for the home. In Antarctica, their home, one cannot find home improvement store, so the birds must gather their gifts from their surroundings. Each breeding season, males collect pebbles and start making their nest. The vital building blocks are rare, leading some chancers to pilfer stones from their neighbours. But when a male presents a stone to a female, it signals he is ready to commit. Consider it the avian version of a diamond ring. The rock doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she wants to get serious, she accepts the pebble and adds it to the nest. Then, after a few final adjustments, they are ready to raise a family.

Regarding bling, corvids are masters at this gift category. There are many stories of people who have befriended wild crows and later received bottle tops, screws, fastenings and various glittering objects. For instance, two people in Florida even received a bracelet with a diamond from a crow they often fed. This is particularly endearing because while many creatures give presents in the hope of scoring, crows seem to just enjoy giving.

The Pinnacle of Multipurpose Present: Sea Sponges

In Western Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of sea sponge from the seabed and using them in fascinating manners. Sometimes, while foraging for food, they place the sponges over their rostrum to shield their skin. At other times, when male dolphins wish to woo females, they don them as playful headwear before offering them as gifts.

In so doing, dolphins ingeniously merge two final categories of holiday gifts. Marine sponges are clothing and skin protection. And if that’s not enough, when males present their sponge gifts, they often strike a curved posture and produce a little tune through their blowhole.

This is not the lackluster presents from pets – such as a cat presenting a deceased rodent in a hidden spot – or certain individuals. Dolphin presents are thoughtful, serve multiple uses, ethically gathered and presented with flair. We can all learn from them. A popular song may have said all she wants during the holidays “is you”, but if I have one Christmas wish, is to be given a sponge-based headwear and skin guard from a cetacean who serenades me with style.